I'm soooo fucked today! Need to spend like 5 hours finishing up this edit PLUS go down to the office and so far today I've: Woke up after having the best sex dream in a long time, laid on the couch, drinking tea for like 2 hours talking and hangin' with unh, talked on the phone for 2 hours with K, wrote an email to J and just got back from an hour long walk.
It's too nice out! I want to drink! I want to sit outside at Hopworks or sit outside and drink wine, and the truth of the matter is: I know I'm gonna do just that. I'm gonna fuck off this project and have to get up at like 5AM to finish it.
Or not.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Friday, April 4, 2008
Can't sleep
Went to bed at 11. Slept for 2.5 hours and have been awake ever since. I have so much I have to do in the next 7 days, it makes me sick just thinking of not getting sleep. Here's my plan. I do all of the things, I've agreed to do in the next 7 days. Every moment I'm not doing one of those things, I'll just go to bed. I already feel more relaxed about everything.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
bi polar
So, as I suspected, keeping a blog has already caused me to realize how totally run by emotions I am. Yesterday, I was in tears at the thought of doing the stupid video, and this morning I wake up feeling good about it. I woke up, actually WOKE UP THINKING, "Hey, this video project will be a chance for me to just focus on camera work." AND I feel excited about that and EVEN started looking up media/video degrees and classes.
Before I went to sleep last night, I thought of how people pray before bed and why. And then I thought, who is your God? REALLY, your God. When you make decisions throughout your day, what motivates you? When I wake up in the middle of the night in a panic, what is that about? And I realized that all my motivations and reaching out beyond myself, thus waking in a panic, stem from the desire to do something that other people think is cool. OK. Cool is not a good word... It's this desire to be BETTER than what other people expect of me, to be BETTER than what I expect of myself.
And so I realize that currently, my God is this desire to do something that other people, and myself think of as "great". It is the motivation, the intention to do something better than what I can imagine.
I want a new God.
Before I went to sleep last night, I thought of how people pray before bed and why. And then I thought, who is your God? REALLY, your God. When you make decisions throughout your day, what motivates you? When I wake up in the middle of the night in a panic, what is that about? And I realized that all my motivations and reaching out beyond myself, thus waking in a panic, stem from the desire to do something that other people think is cool. OK. Cool is not a good word... It's this desire to be BETTER than what other people expect of me, to be BETTER than what I expect of myself.
And so I realize that currently, my God is this desire to do something that other people, and myself think of as "great". It is the motivation, the intention to do something better than what I can imagine.
I want a new God.
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