So, as I suspected, keeping a blog has already caused me to realize how totally run by emotions I am. Yesterday, I was in tears at the thought of doing the stupid video, and this morning I wake up feeling good about it. I woke up, actually WOKE UP THINKING, "Hey, this video project will be a chance for me to just focus on camera work." AND I feel excited about that and EVEN started looking up media/video degrees and classes.
Before I went to sleep last night, I thought of how people pray before bed and why. And then I thought, who is your God? REALLY, your God. When you make decisions throughout your day, what motivates you? When I wake up in the middle of the night in a panic, what is that about? And I realized that all my motivations and reaching out beyond myself, thus waking in a panic, stem from the desire to do something that other people think is cool. OK. Cool is not a good word... It's this desire to be BETTER than what other people expect of me, to be BETTER than what I expect of myself.
And so I realize that currently, my God is this desire to do something that other people, and myself think of as "great". It is the motivation, the intention to do something better than what I can imagine.
I want a new God.
1 comment:
I was thinking about your two-horned dilemma today (being alternately pissed and happy about the video stuff) -I decided happy is the best option -because honestly, the pressure will be totally off! -you can just think of yourself a camera wielding, editing machine. It will really test your ability to give people what they want, when they want it -just like Burger King - and to make shit happen without having to be all creative, which can sometimes be stifling in its own way in the sense that nothing seems good enough, etc. and you get all angsty and stuck in your head. So, be cheered mansized! You can be a machine at work, and a wild banshee in the bedroom! -er maybe not...
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